Thursday, June 30, 2011

Update on Me

     So, if you've read the last post, you know that Timm & I have been through ALOT this past month.  It is really crazy I have to say because even though it was just happening earlier this month, it feels like a long time ago already.  That may be a good thing, but it is not like I'm going to forget.  As each day passes I feel more and more at peace knowing that the Lord has granted Timm & I three children, which two of them are now with Him in Heaven.  I spoke with a friend just yesterday about my trials and she said that it is amazing and even wonderful that my two children that have gone on before me will never have to experience the pain, the drama, the brutality, or evil of this world.  We cannot deny we live in a broken world and the Lord has us here for one reason or another and because of that I challenge anyone who reads this to think about what their purpose is for the Lord, and if you don't know Him, seek him, or talk to me about Him.
     Anyway, emotionally I am getting there one day at a time and feel stronger when I know the Lord is in control, which is just something I need to be reminded of from time to time in moments of relapse.  Physically I am nearly 100%.  I was blessed enough to not need a D&C or the Methotrexate shot, but have everything pass naturally.  I am going for my last blood test, hopefully, next Wednesday.  As the human that I am, I was slightly frustrated because I have to continue to get blood tests until my HCG levels are at 2 or less.  Right now they are at 7, so close!  I have had so many blood tests in the past few weeks that the lab technicians remember, which arm they took from the last time.  I believe next week will be the last week and gladly so, so I can move on and look forward to the other good things in my life like being with my husband and son and soon trip to Canada. 
     As for getting pregnant again we have decided that we are not officially trying but just not not trying.  We just want what the Lord wants and that means getting pregnant in His timing.  Thanks for taking the time to read and I'll be sure to continue to update.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

My Loss, His Gain

*Seems my blog has come full circle, but that is okay.  I know this may not be the best thing to read at any time, but frankly so many women go through this and it is a topic that is not widely discussed.  I am here for anyone who ever wants to talk about it.

On June 1, 2011 I took a pregnancy test because I thought it was odd I hadn't gotten my period in 38 days, even though I was still nursing. I have always been extremely regular with my cycles and took a wild guess.  Anyway, it came out with a bright blue plus sign.  Of course I had emotions running wild thinking "Am I ready for another baby?", "We were supposed to wait until August or September to 'TRY'", "We need a bigger place!", etc.  I of course was a nervous wreck because I had a miscarriage two years ago and of course anything can happen at any point in pregnancy.
     I called the doctor's office the next day to schedule some sort of appointment.  They had wanted me to come in for a typical eight week one but I said "No" because I wanted a blood test.  I just had a feeling I should be watching this pregnancy.  I eventually got a blood test appointment after waiting all day to speak with someone.  I went in Thursday, June 2nd, did my blood test and had to wait for an anxious 24 hours.  I called the next day and found my HCG levels were around 2300+.  (If you don't know what HCG is, just click the link and it'll explain.).  I thought to myself "Wow, that is a pretty good number seeing as though last time my first number for Judah was around 800.  As with HCG levels they are supposed to double every 48 hours and to be sure of that, my doctor's office had me do another test on Saturday at the hospital.
     I went in to the hospital had the test, waited until Monday to find out the results and then I hear devastating news, "Your levels did go up, but not very much."  My levels had only risen not even 200 points.  It should have been around 5000 whereas it was only around 2500, not so awesome.  Due to my low rising levels they scheduled me for an ultrasound that same day.  The ultrasound technician didn't seem too excited about what she saw.  I was supposed to be at about 6 weeks 1 day pregnant at the time and she said I was measuring at only about 4- 4 1/2 weeks.  I was told I needed to speak with a doctor immediately.  I went across the street to the office, spoke with a doctor and she said "This looks like a missed miscarriage."  A missed miscarriage is when the body thinks that it is still pregnant even though the fetus has died.  She said my levels may be rising because the placenta is still growing.  Man, after that news I was a total wreck and went straight into mourning.  I was just like "Why? How? Again?"  It was all very frustrating.
     I of course went in for another blood test to follow up on my levels to see if they were going down and had to wait on those results until Wednesday this time.  Once again, my levels rose but not that much, only 400 points.  I was like, "What is going on inside me?"  So I spoke with my regular OB doctor and he said he was about 85% sure this was an impending miscarriage.  He gave me two options: wait for it to pass naturally or take an injection shot called Methotrexate, which would stop any cell division and cause me to pass the pregnancy out that way. The first doctor I had spoken to said that I also had the option of a D&C as well.  I strongly disliked ALL options for many reasons except for it passing naturally like I had done two years ago.
     Timm at this point was not satisfied with me making any type of decision with my doctor only being 85% sure, so we decided that we needed to get a second opinion at a pro-life Christian OB/GYN.  For this appointment I waited a week.  Another unbearable amount of time.  Monday finally rolled around after a week of trying to act like everything was O.K. with anyone I interacted with, that was horrible, and I go to the appointment with Judah. We get there, we wait, then I saw the midwife who said we need to run some tests including blood work and an ultrasound so we can be sure that this is truly a missed miscarriage. I get the blood work, wait some more, then finally the ultrasound.  Judah who was unraveling by this point and needed to be on the table with me while I had the ultrasound.  It begins, and literally one minute later I hear the words "There is a heartbeat. And a fetal pole."  I was floored.  It was almost sad because I didn't even feel happy, I was just in shock. She measured the heartrate "113 bpm."  At this point she told me that was a little low, they like it to be at 120 bpm but, it was still too early to tell if things were going really well or getting bad.
     I ended up going back to the doctor's for another ultrasound Thursday morning and that's when it started all going downhill, for me.  Just after the ultrasound it happened, I started bleeding.  I knew it was over.  We waited a few hours anyway because I needed to rest but when I woke up I knew I had to go to the E.R., and so we did.  We waited for 4 hours to be seen and then were in there for another 4 with tests, etc.  It was like reliving my loss from 2 years ago, not awesome.  The only difference is that I knew I had a beautiful son to come home to (praise God for that). We all knew the verdict before the doctor even said it, which he did, we had lost the baby.  He told us the heart had stopped beating.  It was amazing though because we saw the heart beating just that morning, so it was as if the Lord kept us from seeing nothing on the screen earlier that day and to keep us from public grief.
     I am sad that we lost another baby, but I am also at peace because I know where they are and that they are in a much better place than where we are now on Earth. God answered so many prayers through this time of confusion and indecision.  I know no tear goes unnoticed by Him and I will never forget my babies.  I so badly want more children, but I have to be content with what He has blessed me with now and that is a beautiful baby boy. So I will continue living my life, not forgetting this unbelievable time and will be happy either way, more children or not, because I know one day I will see who I lost on Earth but who God gained in Heaven.

Hat Modeling

Timm & I were going through some of Judah's hats to see, which ones fit and which were to be stored away.  We had such a fun and cute time with our son, who seems to think its a game every time we put something on his head.  So cute!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Blue Steel

Have you ever seen the movie Zoolander with Ben Stiller?  If you haven't, you should, it's hysterical.    Anyway, I bring this up because it seems as though Judah has been born with the ability to make the infamous modeling face called "Blue Steel."  Just how good is he? You decide.

Happy 1st Birthday, Judah!

Our baby boy turns one-year-old today! He has been an enormous blessing and miracle to our family and marriage.  Timm & I could not have asked for more with our son Judah.  What a beautiful baby.

We did some early celebrating with our families this past Saturday.  There were so many pictures and videos taken.  I will share a snippet of the action and perhaps some more a little later. But enjoy what you see for now!

"Wave to the camera, Judah!"

Judah's Dr. Seuss themed birthday cake.

"Where's that cake I was promised?"

Here comes the birthday cake!

"Hmm, this tastes pretty good."

"Let's try this two handed now."

"This smooth stuff (*frosting) is really awesome!"

"I need more!"

"Hey! Where'd the cake go? I'm left with this little hunk now?"

"Oh well."  *nom nom nom nom nom* sounds


Time for a breather.

"That was fun!"


Judah made a huge mess of himself and needed a shower pretty badly.  Of course, Mommy & Daddy forgot to bring clean clothes, so our little boy ended up opening his presents in his diaper.  
"I'm all clean now!"

Judah wearing his Spongebob hat my Grandma bought.

Sweet smile. He always smiles for the camera now.

"See my cool new drum and instruments! Thanks, Jamie!"

"Wow, check out this cool tissue paper!"

"Hi there, again!"

"I'm starting to feel like a celebrity with all these pictures."

"I like this book, Mom & Dad.  Thanks, Suttons!"

Birthday kisses for Judah.  Squished face!

Happy Birthday, my son!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Happy Birthday, Timm!

Today my Dad came down to wish Timm a happy 25th birthday!  Of course we had a great time celebrating.  I had Timm open his first gifts before he even got out of bed while Judah was "handing" them to him.  Timm is the most wonderful supportive man I know and I am so glad I am married to him.  Happy Birthday my love!

My two Loves.

Angela's Visit

My friend Angela came for a visit from Michigan the other day and we had a great time.  It was the first time I saw her since September of 2008.  We have known each other since our first year of college back in the fall of 2002.  Over the years, we have managed to stay in touch and get together whenever we could while remaining very good friends. During this visit, we brought her to what Timm calls the "staple of New Bedford", the restaurant No Problemos, and drove her around Dartmouth to see the ocean and boats.  Here are some pics from her visit.  (We attempted to do nicely posed pictures but of course perfection is hard to reach with a wiggly one-year-old, or maybe that makes it all the more perfect.)

Judah was pointing out to Angela where her teeth were in case she forgot.

This picture is not too bad, Judah just needs some pants and one sock.

"Wave bye bye to the camera, Judah."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Oh, The Things Judah Knows!

It has been busy around the Freitas household getting ready for Judah's parties, Timm finishing up his school year, and me reorganizing my Etsy shop, so blogging has somewhat taken a backseat.  Anyway, I figured it would be neat to tell everyone of Judah's current achievements thus far.

At nearly one-year-old in just sixteen days, Judah can say a total of at the very least EIGHT words and some with different versions.  We are so proud of him. The words are: "Mama" (also "Mom" & "Mommy"), "Dada", "Up", "Hi", "Bye Bye", "Amen"(pronounced "men, men, men"), "Hello" (pronounced "Heh-wo"), & his latest word "Baby", which he says ALL the time. He loves to talk and babble and it really is just the cutest thing ever.

Yesterday, out of nowhere it seems Judah just started clapping and hasn't stopped.  He claps on command and now loves to clap ALL the time at just about anything, even during a diaper change.  It is as if he is saying "Go, Mommy! Nice diaper changing!"  Right?

JUDAH HAS STOPPED USING HIS SWADDLE!!!!!  He has FINALLY graduated to the sleep sack and is just doing a fantastic job transitioning.  Not to mention, he slept through the night last night! Not once did I have to get up to feed or rock him.  Amazing double whammy in one night.

Judah has finally also started "crawling" backwards by pushing himself with his arms while he is on his belly.  Often he backs himself into something and gets stuck and needs me to help.   He also so desperately wants to push himself off his belly and onto his knees to crawl.  He just needs a little bit more time to work on muscle strength.  But the biggie he achieved yesterday was pulling himself up on a piece of furniture for the first time ever.

This has truly been an incredible week for him and Timm and I are just so proud!