My Loss, His Gain

*Seems my blog has come full circle, but that is okay.  I know this may not be the best thing to read at any time, but frankly so many women go through this and it is a topic that is not widely discussed.  I am here for anyone who ever wants to talk about it.

On June 1, 2011 I took a pregnancy test because I thought it was odd I hadn't gotten my period in 38 days, even though I was still nursing. I have always been extremely regular with my cycles and took a wild guess.  Anyway, it came out with a bright blue plus sign.  Of course I had emotions running wild thinking "Am I ready for another baby?", "We were supposed to wait until August or September to 'TRY'", "We need a bigger place!", etc.  I of course was a nervous wreck because I had a miscarriage two years ago and of course anything can happen at any point in pregnancy.
     I called the doctor's office the next day to schedule some sort of appointment.  They had wanted me to come in for a typical eight week one but I said "No" because I wanted a blood test.  I just had a feeling I should be watching this pregnancy.  I eventually got a blood test appointment after waiting all day to speak with someone.  I went in Thursday, June 2nd, did my blood test and had to wait for an anxious 24 hours.  I called the next day and found my HCG levels were around 2300+.  (If you don't know what HCG is, just click the link and it'll explain.).  I thought to myself "Wow, that is a pretty good number seeing as though last time my first number for Judah was around 800.  As with HCG levels they are supposed to double every 48 hours and to be sure of that, my doctor's office had me do another test on Saturday at the hospital.
     I went in to the hospital had the test, waited until Monday to find out the results and then I hear devastating news, "Your levels did go up, but not very much."  My levels had only risen not even 200 points.  It should have been around 5000 whereas it was only around 2500, not so awesome.  Due to my low rising levels they scheduled me for an ultrasound that same day.  The ultrasound technician didn't seem too excited about what she saw.  I was supposed to be at about 6 weeks 1 day pregnant at the time and she said I was measuring at only about 4- 4 1/2 weeks.  I was told I needed to speak with a doctor immediately.  I went across the street to the office, spoke with a doctor and she said "This looks like a missed miscarriage."  A missed miscarriage is when the body thinks that it is still pregnant even though the fetus has died.  She said my levels may be rising because the placenta is still growing.  Man, after that news I was a total wreck and went straight into mourning.  I was just like "Why? How? Again?"  It was all very frustrating.
     I of course went in for another blood test to follow up on my levels to see if they were going down and had to wait on those results until Wednesday this time.  Once again, my levels rose but not that much, only 400 points.  I was like, "What is going on inside me?"  So I spoke with my regular OB doctor and he said he was about 85% sure this was an impending miscarriage.  He gave me two options: wait for it to pass naturally or take an injection shot called Methotrexate, which would stop any cell division and cause me to pass the pregnancy out that way. The first doctor I had spoken to said that I also had the option of a D&C as well.  I strongly disliked ALL options for many reasons except for it passing naturally like I had done two years ago.
     Timm at this point was not satisfied with me making any type of decision with my doctor only being 85% sure, so we decided that we needed to get a second opinion at a pro-life Christian OB/GYN.  For this appointment I waited a week.  Another unbearable amount of time.  Monday finally rolled around after a week of trying to act like everything was O.K. with anyone I interacted with, that was horrible, and I go to the appointment with Judah. We get there, we wait, then I saw the midwife who said we need to run some tests including blood work and an ultrasound so we can be sure that this is truly a missed miscarriage. I get the blood work, wait some more, then finally the ultrasound.  Judah who was unraveling by this point and needed to be on the table with me while I had the ultrasound.  It begins, and literally one minute later I hear the words "There is a heartbeat. And a fetal pole."  I was floored.  It was almost sad because I didn't even feel happy, I was just in shock. She measured the heartrate "113 bpm."  At this point she told me that was a little low, they like it to be at 120 bpm but, it was still too early to tell if things were going really well or getting bad.
     I ended up going back to the doctor's for another ultrasound Thursday morning and that's when it started all going downhill, for me.  Just after the ultrasound it happened, I started bleeding.  I knew it was over.  We waited a few hours anyway because I needed to rest but when I woke up I knew I had to go to the E.R., and so we did.  We waited for 4 hours to be seen and then were in there for another 4 with tests, etc.  It was like reliving my loss from 2 years ago, not awesome.  The only difference is that I knew I had a beautiful son to come home to (praise God for that). We all knew the verdict before the doctor even said it, which he did, we had lost the baby.  He told us the heart had stopped beating.  It was amazing though because we saw the heart beating just that morning, so it was as if the Lord kept us from seeing nothing on the screen earlier that day and to keep us from public grief.
     I am sad that we lost another baby, but I am also at peace because I know where they are and that they are in a much better place than where we are now on Earth. God answered so many prayers through this time of confusion and indecision.  I know no tear goes unnoticed by Him and I will never forget my babies.  I so badly want more children, but I have to be content with what He has blessed me with now and that is a beautiful baby boy. So I will continue living my life, not forgetting this unbelievable time and will be happy either way, more children or not, because I know one day I will see who I lost on Earth but who God gained in Heaven.