Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I started writing a blog a week ago about how embarrassing it was to be crying so much in front of people and my nervousness/ anxiousness about an upcoming doctor's appointment. I was about to express that side of my emotions until the Lord did a work in me where on Monday I somehow felt instantly better. I now actually feel like myself again (for the most part), which as you can see in my previous blog I thought I wouldn't feel like that for a long time! Well praise God. I do feel tremendously better and think that today is the first day I have gone without crying at all. Not that I couldn't still cry at the drop of a hat like if I were to watch Marley & Me for example.

I have so much to be thankful for and am trying to concentrate on the good thoughts. I have also found great comfort in talking with other women who have had miscarriages (some multiple) and know that most of them ended up having healthy babies thereafter. I also have found comfort in certain women from my assembly who have gone beyond their own comfort zones to be there for a mourning "mother". I credit the Lord and all the prayers that have gone out for me and Timm for the reason for me feeling so much better and for my eagerness to write about His work in my life. I do look forward to trying again when the time is right and if it is in the Lord's will.

I recently heard a sermon saying that the Lord puts you through trials because He loves you. These trials are put into place to make you more like Him and bring you closer to Him as you go through the difficulty because when you persevere you come out stronger and more mature on the other side of the struggle. I just want this blog to be an encouragement to anyone who is going through a trial themselves right now, for it seems like there are a number of people around me who are facing life changing difficulties right now.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Patience is certainly Long Suffering

I am having a very hard time this week. I have yet to feel like my "normal self" again. I think its going to be a very long time before that happens. I'm still feeling withdrawn and quiet (in fear of showing emotion) but am forcing myself slowly back into the social scene. What's happening now, because I am being more social, is I feel like I see babies everywhere and it kills me inside. I am really trying to give it all to the Lord and be patient. Patience can be a long hard road especially when you are battling your human nature of wanting things now and taking things into your own hands to get things done your way. I know how I want things to be but what I want even more is to be in God's will because His ways are better than mine. Its hard to be patient too because His answer is going to be at a time that I can't predict. This is where I know I need to be content and this makes it a daily struggle. I am also dealing with pains in my stomach area still, which some may not go away for months, and its just been a constant reminder of what I've lost.

Even though I am not pregnant anymore, my priorities have changed considerably. I felt a strong wake up call to take better care of myself and the things around me that I already have (family, my pets, my body). I've also strengthened my relationship with the Lord through this because He's forcing me to rely on Him, cause in times like these, no one else is nearly as sufficient.

I am pretty much back in the swing of things of life, for the most part (like I haven't really had much passion for a lot of my interests like cooking or playing piano), but there is something in me that still feels very empty. I do have to say I am very thankful for my job, which I love, my church family, my father, and my husband. Things could be worse and I'm doing my best to not break down, but it is all still very trying.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Moving Forward

During the past four days I asked myself "Why is there nothing in the Bible about miscarriages?" I'm sure, since God allowed it, women must have gone through it since the beginning of time, but not once does the Word talk about losing a child before being born. I know that children have been taken away by God's hand before, as well as other loved ones, but just "why not"! What I am realizing now is, its not about the specific situation I should be looking into the Bible for, but the relation I have to people like Rachel in the mourning of the loss of a child (or any loss). The Word comforts me by letting me know I am not alone in the way I feel.

Matthew 2:18 "...weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."

But more importantly I am realizing that I am not in control of anything and He made plans for me I could never imagine, such as being married to my wonderful husband. I like the saying "Man Proposes, God Disposes", meaning that what I want and plan in life is not necessarily what God wants, and He sometimes changes my path drastically. It can be hard to accept, but I know God does these things because He loves me and also for the betterment of His kingdom in Heaven, where I know I already have a place.

Isaiah 55:8-11 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought than your thoughts...my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Monday, October 5, 2009

First Post

I figured since my business seems to be inconveniently exposed to the world already, I might as well write about it and get my feelings out.

I recently experienced a tragedy I wish upon no one. I lost my baby before it was born. The feelings of grief and devastation can't be put into words, nor the fear I have of it happening again. I miss my baby already, even though I never got to see him/her face to face. I considered posting on one of those baby forums for other mothers who miscarried, but I can't bring myself there, because most of them if not all, don't have what I already have, which is the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Christ I would probably have fallen into a serious depression. I will admit this is my first trial to rock my world since I have been saved, for I went through more than one can imagine before being born again. I can't look at the past and say "I wish I had done it this way or that" because that does me no good, nor does worrying about what my future holds from this moment on. But when an event like this happens, you can't help but fear feeling this again when what you are trying for isn't a sure thing. The only difference between my first pregnancy and my next, Lord permitting, is that I wasn't planning on my first one (even though God was). I do plan on trying again after giving myself some time to grieve, breathe, and heal physically (because it really does take a toll on your body). I just want people to know that I do not want to be approached about the situation because I have shed my fair share of tears already and am feeling pretty fragile. I know Christ will allow for children in our lives when He's ready, if that's what He wants. I do pray so.

Phil 4:7-13 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things... 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.