Saturday, October 17, 2009

Patience is certainly Long Suffering

I am having a very hard time this week. I have yet to feel like my "normal self" again. I think its going to be a very long time before that happens. I'm still feeling withdrawn and quiet (in fear of showing emotion) but am forcing myself slowly back into the social scene. What's happening now, because I am being more social, is I feel like I see babies everywhere and it kills me inside. I am really trying to give it all to the Lord and be patient. Patience can be a long hard road especially when you are battling your human nature of wanting things now and taking things into your own hands to get things done your way. I know how I want things to be but what I want even more is to be in God's will because His ways are better than mine. Its hard to be patient too because His answer is going to be at a time that I can't predict. This is where I know I need to be content and this makes it a daily struggle. I am also dealing with pains in my stomach area still, which some may not go away for months, and its just been a constant reminder of what I've lost.

Even though I am not pregnant anymore, my priorities have changed considerably. I felt a strong wake up call to take better care of myself and the things around me that I already have (family, my pets, my body). I've also strengthened my relationship with the Lord through this because He's forcing me to rely on Him, cause in times like these, no one else is nearly as sufficient.

I am pretty much back in the swing of things of life, for the most part (like I haven't really had much passion for a lot of my interests like cooking or playing piano), but there is something in me that still feels very empty. I do have to say I am very thankful for my job, which I love, my church family, my father, and my husband. Things could be worse and I'm doing my best to not break down, but it is all still very trying.

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