My Loss, His Gain

*Seems my blog has come full circle, but that is okay.  I know this may not be the best thing to read at any time, but frankly so many women go through this and it is a topic that is not widely discussed.  I am here for anyone who ever wants to talk about it.

On June 1, 2011 I took a pregnancy test because I thought it was odd I hadn't gotten my period in 38 days, even though I was still nursing. I have always been extremely regular with my cycles and took a wild guess.  Anyway, it came out with a bright blue plus sign.  Of course I had emotions running wild thinking "Am I ready for another baby?", "We were supposed to wait until August or September to 'TRY'", "We need a bigger place!", etc.  I of course was a nervous wreck because I had a miscarriage two years ago and of course anything can happen at any point in pregnancy.
     I called the doctor's office the next day to schedule some sort of appointment.  They had wanted me to come in for a typical eight week one but I said "No" because I wanted a blood test.  I just had a feeling I should be watching this pregnancy.  I eventually got a blood test appointment after waiting all day to speak with someone.  I went in Thursday, June 2nd, did my blood test and had to wait for an anxious 24 hours.  I called the next day and found my HCG levels were around 2300+.  (If you don't know what HCG is, just click the link and it'll explain.).  I thought to myself "Wow, that is a pretty good number seeing as though last time my first number for Judah was around 800.  As with HCG levels they are supposed to double every 48 hours and to be sure of that, my doctor's office had me do another test on Saturday at the hospital.
     I went in to the hospital had the test, waited until Monday to find out the results and then I hear devastating news, "Your levels did go up, but not very much."  My levels had only risen not even 200 points.  It should have been around 5000 whereas it was only around 2500, not so awesome.  Due to my low rising levels they scheduled me for an ultrasound that same day.  The ultrasound technician didn't seem too excited about what she saw.  I was supposed to be at about 6 weeks 1 day pregnant at the time and she said I was measuring at only about 4- 4 1/2 weeks.  I was told I needed to speak with a doctor immediately.  I went across the street to the office, spoke with a doctor and she said "This looks like a missed miscarriage."  A missed miscarriage is when the body thinks that it is still pregnant even though the fetus has died.  She said my levels may be rising because the placenta is still growing.  Man, after that news I was a total wreck and went straight into mourning.  I was just like "Why? How? Again?"  It was all very frustrating.
     I of course went in for another blood test to follow up on my levels to see if they were going down and had to wait on those results until Wednesday this time.  Once again, my levels rose but not that much, only 400 points.  I was like, "What is going on inside me?"  So I spoke with my regular OB doctor and he said he was about 85% sure this was an impending miscarriage.  He gave me two options: wait for it to pass naturally or take an injection shot called Methotrexate, which would stop any cell division and cause me to pass the pregnancy out that way. The first doctor I had spoken to said that I also had the option of a D&C as well.  I strongly disliked ALL options for many reasons except for it passing naturally like I had done two years ago.
     Timm at this point was not satisfied with me making any type of decision with my doctor only being 85% sure, so we decided that we needed to get a second opinion at a pro-life Christian OB/GYN.  For this appointment I waited a week.  Another unbearable amount of time.  Monday finally rolled around after a week of trying to act like everything was O.K. with anyone I interacted with, that was horrible, and I go to the appointment with Judah. We get there, we wait, then I saw the midwife who said we need to run some tests including blood work and an ultrasound so we can be sure that this is truly a missed miscarriage. I get the blood work, wait some more, then finally the ultrasound.  Judah who was unraveling by this point and needed to be on the table with me while I had the ultrasound.  It begins, and literally one minute later I hear the words "There is a heartbeat. And a fetal pole."  I was floored.  It was almost sad because I didn't even feel happy, I was just in shock. She measured the heartrate "113 bpm."  At this point she told me that was a little low, they like it to be at 120 bpm but, it was still too early to tell if things were going really well or getting bad.
     I ended up going back to the doctor's for another ultrasound Thursday morning and that's when it started all going downhill, for me.  Just after the ultrasound it happened, I started bleeding.  I knew it was over.  We waited a few hours anyway because I needed to rest but when I woke up I knew I had to go to the E.R., and so we did.  We waited for 4 hours to be seen and then were in there for another 4 with tests, etc.  It was like reliving my loss from 2 years ago, not awesome.  The only difference is that I knew I had a beautiful son to come home to (praise God for that). We all knew the verdict before the doctor even said it, which he did, we had lost the baby.  He told us the heart had stopped beating.  It was amazing though because we saw the heart beating just that morning, so it was as if the Lord kept us from seeing nothing on the screen earlier that day and to keep us from public grief.
     I am sad that we lost another baby, but I am also at peace because I know where they are and that they are in a much better place than where we are now on Earth. God answered so many prayers through this time of confusion and indecision.  I know no tear goes unnoticed by Him and I will never forget my babies.  I so badly want more children, but I have to be content with what He has blessed me with now and that is a beautiful baby boy. So I will continue living my life, not forgetting this unbelievable time and will be happy either way, more children or not, because I know one day I will see who I lost on Earth but who God gained in Heaven.

Moving Forward

During the past four days I asked myself "Why is there nothing in the Bible about miscarriages?" I'm sure, since God allowed it, women must have gone through it since the beginning of time, but not once does the Word talk about losing a child before being born. I know that children have been taken away by God's hand before, as well as other loved ones, but just "why not"! What I am realizing now is, its not about the specific situation I should be looking into the Bible for, but the relation I have to people like Rachel in the mourning of the loss of a child (or any loss). The Word comforts me by letting me know I am not alone in the way I feel.

Matthew 2:18 "...weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."

But more importantly I am realizing that I am not in control of anything and He made plans for me I could never imagine, such as being married to my wonderful husband. I like the saying "Man Proposes, God Disposes", meaning that what I want and plan in life is not necessarily what God wants, and He sometimes changes my path drastically. It can be hard to accept, but I know God does these things because He loves me and also for the betterment of His kingdom in Heaven, where I know I already have a place.

Isaiah 55:8-11 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought than your thoughts...my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

First Post

I figured since my business seems to be inconveniently exposed to the world already, I might as well write about it and get my feelings out.

I recently experienced a tragedy I wish upon no one. I lost my baby before it was born. The feelings of grief and devastation can't be put into words, nor the fear I have of it happening again. I miss my baby already, even though I never got to see him/her face to face. I considered posting on one of those baby forums for other mothers who miscarried, but I can't bring myself there, because most of them if not all, don't have what I already have, which is the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Christ I would probably have fallen into a serious depression. I will admit this is my first trial to rock my world since I have been saved, for I went through more than one can imagine before being born again. I can't look at the past and say "I wish I had done it this way or that" because that does me no good, nor does worrying about what my future holds from this moment on. But when an event like this happens, you can't help but fear feeling this again when what you are trying for isn't a sure thing. The only difference between my first pregnancy and my next, Lord permitting, is that I wasn't planning on my first one (even though God was). I do plan on trying again after giving myself some time to grieve, breathe, and heal physically (because it really does take a toll on your body). I just want people to know that I do not want to be approached about the situation because I have shed my fair share of tears already and am feeling pretty fragile. I know Christ will allow for children in our lives when He's ready, if that's what He wants. I do pray so.

Phil ^4:7-13 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things... ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.